you think you understand what it's like but you have no idea

I am typing this entr to vent its an outlet for me because as the title says it people may think they understand what I am going thru but really they have no idea.   Yea a few followers of this blog have children with special needs but the circumstances are different the diagnosis may be the same but in all honesty every one of our children our completly different from each other its part of what makes them special and unique.  I have friends who have children with adhd, autism, ect and they always say they know what I am going thru.  I feel like screaming no in all honesty you have no idea what I am going thru.   What is the meaning behind this post well an hr ago I went outside to bring the trash out real quick.  I put the baby gate up in the kitchen doorway to keep audrianna from getting into the kitchen I'm not really sure if thats what did it cause she was fine.  But as I was throwing the trash in the barrel and throwing some rock salt down on some black ice I almost slipped on.  I heard Audrianna screaming and banging on something repeatedly which she does when shes throwing a tantrum.  Shes pretty easy to decipher her different screams and cries.  So I went running in fearing that she might hurt charlee or herself.  she tends to bang her head on things when upset which is part of the reason her neurologist put her on ritalin.   She stopped the headbanging for awhile but has started up again.  So I come in and I climb over the babygate charlee is fine but i turn the corner and theres audrianna sitting by the baby swing crying.   (Charlee was in her jumper).  anyway I look and Audrianna's nose is bleeding so I run and grab a wet paper towel to clean her up.  her nose was done bleeding I'm not even sure if thats where the blood came from but it was right under her nose and there was alot of it.  But she also has two loose top teeth so i checked to see if they were still there and they were.   theres blood on her hands and the metal rods on the baby swing so i clean her and the swing up and sit her on the couch to cuddle her and watch her to make sure shes fine.  I ask her what she did and she starts smacking herlself in the head so i asked her if she smacked her head on the swing and she nodded yes.   So yup I will be calling the neuro tuesday  to see if we can get in and get her meds changed and also get a referral to a behavior specialist.  it gets scary when your child is hurting themself.  I am afreaid she may hurt herself or others.   The older she gets the stronger she gets its a legitimate fear.  She doesnt know better sometimes she will hug to hard or pat people on the back just a little to hard ect.   sometimes I feel as if I am a terrible mother because I can't prevent her from hurting herself, there are times i cry yes I cry.  People always ask me how I remain so strong truth is I don't I present myself as a strong person because strong is the only choice i have for audrianna.   when raising a special needs child you need to be strong you can't be weak,  You need to advocate for them and not show them your fears ect.  I don't want to cry in front of audrianna,  I never want her to feel like its her fault that mommy has days where she cries because shes stressed or scared for her child.   There are days that I feel bad for all audrianna can't do .   while all the kids were out sleding after the big storm we just had on tuesday I nearly cried because Sledding is not something audrianna will ever beable to do,  or make a snow man and she has no idea how to make a snow angel.  and to top it off snow frightens her cause of the sensory issues.  so when we are lucky she plays outside for 15 minutes before she realizes the snow is sticking to her gloves or her jacket ect and she starts to cry because she is upset that the snow is on her.   in 5 1/2 years 15 minutes is the longest she has ever played in the snow, she hates rain and until she was two she was terrified of grass.   she still hates mud and getting dirty and that includes getting food on her hands or clothes.  its not a typical if i'm dirty its ok i will wash my hands after she will cry because she has food on her clothes or her hands.  like today she was eatting pudding and got some pudding on her hands she had to stop eatting the pudding til we would wash the pudding of her hands then she went back to eatting the pudding again.     all  these things werent as stressful to me or bothered me that much til charlee came into the picture now that she has seperation anxiety and wants mommy all the time it makes it harder cause audrianna also needs me and wants her mommy.  somedays i wonder if i am giving them both an equal amount of attention.   people ask me how i do it, or why i chose to have another child when i have such a high needs child already or why have a baby 5 years after having audrianna, knowing the risks of having another special needs child in all honesty i don't know the answers nor can i answer them.  i did not wait 5 years on purpose and i feel god chose stephen and myself to be audrianna and charlee's parents .  I also believe things happen for a reason even if those reasons can't be explained and with this I also believe things happen to teach us lessons.  and trust me Audrianna has taught us many lessons and charlee is starting to.  Raising a typical child is way different then raising a special needs child its like becomming a mom for the 1st time even when its my 2nd time.  my children our the light at the end of the tunnel they are my reason for breathing.  they are the reason i was born.  they are the laughter and tears in my life my hopes and my dreams.   the frosting to my cake.  I have fears for audriannas future like who will be her caregiver if i and stephen were to die.  but i try not to worry to much because we are here now and we need to enjoy it and take things one day at a time.