called crisis

I'm always told what a strong mother I am how I handle Audrianna having cp and other health issues so well how they dont know how I do it. How they admire me what a good mom I am ect. But behind that mask that I put up is a whole lot of pain and disappointment I'm not disappointed in my daughter at all I love her with all my heart and soul. I'm just disappointed in myself I'm upset I dont think I work her hard enough because I feel she deserves to be treated like a typical toddler but then I dont always discipline her cause I feel like she has enough problems or maybe she doesn't understand. I constantly feel like a bad mom when she falls and gets hurt. She isn't gaining weight and may need a feeding tube I feel like its my fault even though I'm constantly feeding her or trying to get her to eat. I always feel like I did something wrong or gods punishing me for something that's why my daughter has all sorts of problems but I know that's not the case god chose me for a reason. I get so stressed with life so much is going on I started drinking but stopped I was scared cause alcohol taste like Kool aide to me and I would drink and drink and drink and not get drunk I would make sure my daughter was with her dad on the days I went out. I'm trying so hard to work things out with him but theres been some problems after andy I'm having a hard time trusting people. I'm still getting harrassed by that girl to . It got to the point I finally had to call crisis tonite which my therapist said to do if I ever need to since I tend to fall to pieces at nite. I was so scared to call because I thought the way I was feeling would make me seem like a bad mom or bad person. I was assured after and he and a half I was not. But omg I was a mess I was crying so bad and shaking u would have thought someone close to me had died. But that's how I felt I feel like a piece of me is gone and that slowly I am breaking down I knew it was only time before I would crack. Being a single mom has made me realize things about Audrianna I never noticed like how behind she really is, or how I really am having a hard time dealing with her many problems or how she gets sick so much. Then there are things going way wrong in my own life that I just wasnt focusing on or trying to ignore then I started realizing my problems I'm a slob I need to get better and get organized but have no time to do so. I used to eat like a pig now I'm doing better, I'm so stressed in general that my hairs thining a bit and ive lost quite a bit of weight to the point my boobs have shrunk. I stopped going on the BBC cp board cause I felt my daughter is sick so much and in the hospital enough where everyones sick of hearing it. Then bills are piling up ECT makes me feel like a failure we did so well getting out of debt then my ex lost his job. I punched a guy in the face for making fun of my daughter then I got jumped by his wife in the parking lot in front of my daughter I'm ok some bruises . I dont know why I snapped guess I'm sick of the rude comments I dont really know. my friends are to busy with there own lives and typical kids plus aud gets sick to easy so she and I barely see them. My family well we won't go there. I can't sleep even though I'm exhausted. I need to cause we have a dr appointment at 11 am to follow up on auds blood counts being low. So I guess I'll end this but u get my point yes everyone I'm not perfect and I have problems just like anyoneelse I just hid them all to well